WW Journey

What can I say I've jumped back on the wagon!

Truth be told this is my 3rd time at this. My last yr of undergrad, my Karataconus caused me to be partially blind in my right eye. I was struggling with the fork in my life, and realized I had balloned to over 150lb. I probably had been there for a lot more than I'd like to admit.
Issues I had them and real ones the kind that if you push to far back they explode in your face. But my weight was the last thing I worried about. At 4'1" that's not a wise choice. See despite this weight I carried I couldn't see it in the mirrow. My friends didn't comment and if my mom did I just pushed it aside. I was fun and happy. Or so it seemed.
After graduation I came back to see my friends graduate. I realized in those pictures how I really looked. I couldn't believe this was me. Yes I excerised, yes I could still play volleyball but it was a rude awaking.
I joined WW for the first time. I stayed on it strong getting down to 127. At which point money became tight and new issues entered. I slowly slacked off but was still aware. Especially the fact that I had made some many others believers in the program. But still I couldn't stick with it.
Fastforwards two years ago. I attempted to rejoin. Not to bad I thought seeing the scale 140 lb. Even after all that time I still kinda kept track but I knew it wasn't the same. I picked a closer location, but soon became discouraged and just quit.
Fastward to March 2008, I was ready I was tired, the man I loved was like 10 lbs from being my weight and he had more than 8 inches on me. No way I knew how to live the right way I need to stick with it. And I did I found a meeting I loved 6am Saturday morning, I asked for help. For a while I went each day to a meeting to make sure I stuck with it. But at the begining of July as I was quitting my job and approaching my first semester in grad school I freaked. I slowly slipped back.
But I knew that I need to make an active change. My family had started the program. My grandmother who lived my homeade tortillas butter and beans was trying to better herself. My mom called everyday for advice. Still I was stuck, I was paying my dues but not attending. I was cheating myself, I was cheating my family becasue I am a motivator. I felt guilty when mom would call to share her success and say oh I'm doing fine. I remember how she was so proud of me when I was actively making change, a .4 loss she celebrated with me a 1.8 gain she pointed out the fact that I ate a burger and the fries. I wanted to do the same but I still felt stuck.
Needless to say I worked out about 4 to 5 times a day. I tricked myself into believing that was enough. But was it. No and as my birthday approaches and the man I love showers me with gifts, I wonder where is my own self worth and preservation.
I went to a meeting this Satuday up by 545am weighed in at 615am. That group is amazing my leader Pam is amazing. I want to reach goal. But I won't make the same mistakes, I know that just because the writing say I should weight 105 to the mid 120's that I shouldn't strive to a weight I am not comfortable in. My last why in in July I was down to 131.2 I gaind 4 lbs in the month I didn't follow program. I know this is a Lifestyle change and I make a commitment to myself to see myself through this journey I am worth it.
I bought a whole new kit, those shots of advice are great. My friend is along in this journey so are some of my family member, but I have come to realize that people fall off their own paths and I have to stay on mine, always.
I look forward to being healthy.